sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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