I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
