just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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