just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
