just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
