It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
