how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
