They should really pass out barf bags in church
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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