I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
