Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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