Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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