I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
