I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
