Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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