4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
