Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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