is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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