there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
