Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
