my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
