A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
