Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How external is "for external use only"?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
