My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
