I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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