I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
