This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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