Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Randomize
