Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
