The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
