I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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