I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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