I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
