i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
