if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
