its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
