Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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