Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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