my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
