WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this will be a night to untag.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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