Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
