Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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