I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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