I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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