So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
