you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
