It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
