she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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