so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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