my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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