the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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